She is a veritable goddess. From the other end of the pub, she sits, laughing with her friends, though in her presence, they are merely marginally attractive distractions. She is not only gorgeous, but no one has yet approached her to flirt, because they are as awed as you are by her presence.

Suddenly, you feel, something strange deep down: Don’t worry, that’s just the feeling of yourself growing a pair of cojones; You make up your mind to approach her.

This is as far as you get.

What do you say? Howdo you get her attention? How do you come off as confident, but without approaching “D-bag” territory? There are plenty of other women in the bar tonight, but you and every other Y Chromosome in the room has eyes for one.

Don’t worry, we are here to help.

7. Whatever you do, don’t send in your mate:

Sending your buddy over to tell your potential companion, “My friend over there really fancies you,” is a good way to send the message “my friend over there has not left middle school.” If you think that this route has even the remotest chance of working, then odds are you aren’t old enough to be at the pub. You’d be better off just passing her a note saying, “Will you shag me? Circle yes or no.”

6. Whatever you do, don’t forget about her friends:

This is not a groundbreaking theory in flirtology: but make sure to attend to her friends as well. Completely ignoring 5/6 of a group of friends is a good way to get the collective thumbs down from the wing-women. This is not to say that you need to buy everyone a drink, but if its possible, chat up the group a bit before moving in to talk to that special someone. This is risky, but there is also the avenue of chatting up one of the friends to build a touch of jealously. The trouble here is that technique only works if you’re a pro at balancing the attention of all 6 women at once.

5. Whatever you do, don’t be a pansy:

It’s easy to overdo the confident look but that does not mean you should be the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz.  The easy mistake (in not wanting to appear arrogant) is to come off as a passive, low self-esteem, friend type of guy.  No one wants to be “the friend”. Don’t be overbearing, but definitely make it seem like you’re feeling good about the interaction. Smile, laugh, and give her the impression that you’re always having a good time.

4. Whatever you do, don’t be boring…be funny:

Laughter really is the best medicine, as everyone knows. It is also the best aphrodisiac this side of the Spanish Fly (and much cheaper.) If you prove yourself to be funny and likable, then you will prove yourself to be good company. Instead of just walking up to her and blurting your name out, it’s much easier to first establish yourself with a joke and then move into the “getting to know you” talk.  This however comes with some restrictions…

a) Are you funny? - If you’re not, then you’re not.  If all you have is a Polly Shore impersonation, then you’d be better off trying to talk about movies or something. Just don’t talk about Biodome (Polly Shore is to a libido what a slaughterhouse is to a cow).

b) Are you sure you’re funny? – Seriously, you might just be annoying. Ask your friends.

c) Repeating material you did not write can only get you so far - Chris Rock is hilarious and you might be too, but don’t steal his jokes. At that point you’ve sunken to Carlos Mencia’s level, and no one wants to sleep with Carlos Mencia.

3. Whatever you do, don’t look desperate:

To some degree, this ties in with number 5, but it still warrants its own point. If you come across as needy, then you won’t be seen as the love stallion that you are. Instead, you’ll look like a cuddly, sad, pathetic puppy. Lacking any confidence and acting dependent to a random stranger you’ve just met, is like screaming, “please love me!” And that is behavior best saved for the lawns of ex girlfriends.

2. Whatever you do, don’t put up a front:

You are not the most interesting man in the world. Ordering a Dos XX and trying to speak French in a Russian accent is not going to work. Unless you’re hitting on someone at a cast party, your theatrical prowess might be taken as dishonesty.  The same goes for pretending to be interested in things that you really aren’t interested in. After all, if you both don’t have some common ground, then what on earth are you trying to hook up for?**

**Answer: The sex.

1. Whatever you do, don’t assume that any list like this holds all the answers:

Although these recommendations are based on discussions from the knowledgeable Leftos community, no holy grail type scripture exists for picking up a beautiful lady.  A lot is based on working in the realm of the theoretical. Believe it or not, women are not theoretical, even though they tend to love Rent and Soap Operas. Women are very real, complex people and as a result, there is no single list in the world (even those written by geniuses like us) that can fit for every situation. Flirting has always been a complicated issue, even since the days of the caveman when it was considered disrespectful to pick a fly out of of a woman’s back hair without permission. Things might be more civilized but they definitely aren’t simplier .

So take these tidbits of knowledge and wander off into the wilds of the bar, and try your best. The worst that could happen is hearing, “no.”**

**Well, really the worst thing that could happen is a random bear attack or something, but we don’t have any tips for avoiding those.