By: Tony - Posted on: 04/10/2010

Dance Floor Boners – An International Dilemma

It’s a familiar scenario to everyone who has ever been out dancing. It doesn’t matter if it was in a high school gymnasium or drowning in a sea of Axe body spray and trance beats at the local night club.

There is no way to put it delicately:

“Dance Floor Boners“; Cha-Cha Chubbies, Tango Twigs, Grind Appreciation Indicators, Salsa Stiffies, Polka Porkies.

If you are a man, you dread them, if you are a woman, you’ve come to expect them.  Either way, everyone can say that it’s led to a couple awkward situations at some point in their dance careers.

Perhaps the most dangerous “Dance Floor Boner” encounters took place back in high school. Everyone was hormonal, awkward, and though the chaperons tried to prevent it, desperate to make out and dry hump each other to the point of passing out. For guys in high school, there was no, “maybe” when it came to the “Dance Floor Boner”, but rather “when.”

The answer of course was as soon as we entered dancing proximity of a girl. Between the smell of perfume, freshly shampooed hair, and the pretty dress that was cut just high enough to fit the dress code, our “little friend’s” interest was pretty well assured…especially once the slow dance hit. Regardless if it was “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” or “My Heart Will Go On” playing on the loud speaker while Sister Mary Catherine glared over the punch bowl and you stood five feet from your date…things were getting heated and you had no control of it.  That room you left wasn’t for Jesus, it was for Jimmy.

We may have been told that the dating world doesn’t get easier as we grow old but no one mentioned that the the dance floor of the adult world would be just as dangerous. Grinding is inevitable and there’s a lot more reputation on the line.

Let’s set the scene for you…the lights are flashing, a great dance remix is playing, and there’s a hottie waving her mini-skirt around like a fan is built in the grind blowing up. Somehow the two of you drift closer and meet in the middle of the dance floor like two magnets attracted to each other.  Without exchanging any words, the two of you begin to grind like your trying to start a fire from two sticks and a rock.  And then it happens, just like it did ten years back at junior prom…your “buddy down below” decides to wake up and catch a glimpse of this mini-skirt too!

It can be just as awkward now as it was in high school, but the question is: How do you deal with it? The answer: Simply be cool about it. Anyone with even the most basic understanding of anatomy understands that physical symptoms of arousal are not conscious for either men or women. They are however, much more conspicuous for men.

In our opinion both parties should know what’s going to happen and neither one should make a huge issue of it. If it makes either side uncomfortable, just add a little distance. The woman should be able to do that easily enough. As for the guys, don’t blurt an apology or make that weird “I’m guilty and I know it” face, just be aware of what’s going on. If your dance partner is trying to move oh so slightly away, don’t charge forward…this isn’t a joust.

The “Dance Floor Boner” is a perfectly natural part of dance; it has plagued the generations long before the Victorians were covering their piano legs for fear of that dreaded relative of the “dance floor boner”… “The Furniture Woody”.

It’s not just natural but it’s also an enemy of mutual comfort everywhere. Take a proactive approach and get educated. And remember gentlemen, if all else fails you can always sing “The Pledge of Allegiance” to yourself in your head or think about your grandmother…they’ve always found a way to bore not just you but your little “friend down under” as well!

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