Cheating

Q:

Serial Cheating: cheaters want to give us insight?

I'm sure this question must have already been asked in one form or another, but I'll ask it this way.

In my experience, most people that cheat do it once or only in one relationship, and then stop. They realize that they are unhappy, that their partner isn't right for them, or that their partner is so special to them that they can never inflict that kind of hurt on their partner again.

However, there are those among us that that has not been their experience. They have either maintained long-term mistresses, or misters (is that the male equivalent of a mistress?). I am not talking about polyamory, where everything is out in the open, honest, and no one is being deceived, I'm talking about consciously lying and breaking the rules of the relationship.

If you have cheated on more than one person, does that make it easier for it to happen again? What leads you astray? Do people who have a habit of cheating consider it normal? If monogamy isn't working for these individuals, would they ever consider polyamory, or is lying part of the thrill? Why are non-cheating options not viable? What would it take for a serial cheater to not cheat on a partner?

If anyone has ever cheated on more than one person, or carried on an extended affair, then please give us an insight into what are the thoughts and motivations behind this?

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Anonymous88

Anonymous88over a year ago

Answer 1 of 5

My confession and explanation

Hi!
I found this place while I was looking around, trying to find more info on guys like me, and strangely, there seems to be some lack of information.
My story: 23, in a loving relationship, while messing around with a lot of girls. This all started a year ago, and intensified over time. I cheat without feeling any remorse or regret, just for the fun of it. I hug my girlfriend and tell her that I love her (and I do), and we have better sex than I have with any of my one nights stands. But I cheat again: I just like girls, and they like me too, and I use that to have fun.
My take on the explanation: evolution. Men and women are both sort of programmed for passing their genes. Men can do it by having sex with as many different women as possible, while women can do their best by having a caring and loving male take care of them (and their child in the future), while they get impregnated by a strong alfa-male, without their partner knowing about it, thus increasing their genetic diversity, creating a stronger offspring. There's a lot of info on this, just search for evolutionary psychology, sperm war, etc...
The special thing is, that while a lot of people cheat once or twice, very few get away with it repeatedly. Once they are discovered, they mostly stop, but not because they don't want to do it anymore, but because they are afraid of the consequences.
The special ones are those who get away with it repeatedly, the so-called serial cheaters. Why I think most people are discovered, is because they start acting weird, because they feel bad, and their partner finds out, or they simply break to the pressure, and confess it. The thing is I don't feel remorse at all. I sleep with a girl whose name I don't even know and meet my girlfriend the same day and we have fun watching a movie or eating sushi, and sleep together later. Now when I realized that I can lie and deceive without any effort I was thinking that I might be a psychopath of some sort, so I researched the subject of Anti Social Personality Disorder, and I show some symptoms, but nearly not enough to be diagnosed as one (e.g. I have above average intelligence and charm, I can easily manipulate people, I get bored easily, I'm impulsive; but I don't hurt animals/people, get in trouble with the law regularly, and I do have empathy, and I wasn't a misbehaving child, that's always getting into trouble).
It's just like their is a part of me that is a loving and caring boyfriend and a part of me that is "bad boy", enjoying my twenties, and these two parts never talk to, or meet each other. And I live a happy life.
(And don't worry, I'm not a schizo either, I intentionally phrased that last part this way:D)

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einahpetsx

einahpetsxover a year ago

Answer 2 of 5

I honestly dont know why i do it...

I guess i qualify as a serial cheater seeing as how i've cheated on every guy i've been with. I had my first real boyfriend when i was 14 and when he lives across town and goes to another school its a big deal to only see him on the weekends. one night a guy from my school who lived down the street came over and we talked and he was cute and i liked him and we ended up making out. I felt so terrible since I had never done it before and he wasnt even my boyfriend. so a few weeks later i crashed and ended up telling my boyfriend and he was upset and angry but we stayed together for some reason. couple months later we broke up.

at 16 i got another more serious boyfriend but since he was a senior when i was a sophomore in high school he graduated and went to college. i saw him a couple times a week but he wanted his freedom as a college guy and we had an open relationship. it worked for us, he saw who he wanted, i didnt feel guilty going to parties and being with other guys. but when we made it official we had to stop all that, and it just didnt happen so we broke up too.

a year later was the only guy i never cheated on, but my parents didnt approve since he was 4 years older than i was. so that didnt last long anyway

after I graduated high school I ended up with this guy named Matt. we were together for like 3 years, lost our virginity together and just spent every summer hanging out and doing nothing. we drove around and ate out and saw movies...
but he was a bum! when school started back up he didnt enroll, he didn't get a job. he hung around and waited for me to get out so we could spend more time together. I was ok with it for a while but then he had all this credit card debt and was living with his parents since he didnt have a job or go to school himself. I honestly don't know what i saw in him anymore... I ended up rekindling an old flame with the first guy i dated. i saw him on the side for a few weeks until matt found out. he stayed with me as long as he could hold onto my phone and know all the passwords to my email, myspace, facebook, other sites and all.
--i'm never letting a guy do that to me again btw, it was miserable.
but anyway, i stayed with him and thought i could change him. i got him to enroll one semester but he never went and failed everything. he never ended up getting a job. so i strayed again to another guy. and then another, and another.
then one time i just ended it. confessed everything and broke it off. he was hurt but he didn't care. he then told me i wasn't worth him getting a job!
the jerk....

but anyway, fast forward a couple more years and here I am, with the most amazing guy I could imagine. I've been faithful for two years, we live together, we both work, we both go to school... but my mind keeps straying and I don't know why..
I love my boyfriend, he loves me. we have a healthy relationship and sex life. we do things we both enjoy, go out to eat, go to movies, take mini vacations to see our families and just random weekends away...
but i cant help but think about this other guy I like for some reason and wonder what it would be like.

I guess before my current boyfriend it was all about attention and being bored and money and all that fun stuff. I wasn't getting enough attention or the guys were boring or just plain not for me. but currently.... I'm not sure what my problem is. I mean it feels normal to cheat since i've done it a lot before. so if i ever got the option too I dont know what would hold me back.

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girlnextdoor

girlnextdoorover a year ago

Answer 3 of 5

its unfortunate that i have to say i am a serial cheater

I've never really felt guilty until my latest incident, which is so terrible that I cannot even say on here because its messy and complicated, but I know that I will never cheat again.


The reason why I have cheated in the past, its a shame to say that i've cheated in all of my relationships, is because I am not happy with the person. And you ask why am I in a relationship with them? Well it's because I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, someone to have around but I knew that all of my previous boyfriends were not the type of guy that I would end up with. I guess you can say that I was always looking for something better when I was in the relationship. I thought cheating would help.
I thought that if other guys knew I was in a relationship, they wouldn't take an interest to me, so how was I ever going to move out of my current relationship and into a new one with someone that could be a lot better for me? This strategy did not work, because eventually they would find out I had a boyfriend, or it would just become a little hookup and nothing more.

Another thing that I have done that I never really considered "cheating" but I do now is kissing other guys when I was out a party and had a few drinks. I would always blame it on the alcohol and say I would never do that if I was sober, but there's really no excuse for that.

Another thing is attention. My latest boyfriend didn't give me enough attention, not enough attention that I wanted or needed. I felt like he wasn't fully invested in our relationship so I thought I would prove to him that if he doesn't want to make it work then I can go out and find someone else in an instant.
I am going to be honest, this method did work for getting more attention from him and for him proving that he did love me and wanted to make it work. But if I could go back I would find a different solution to this problem, NOT cheating. It caused a lot of drama and problems like trust issues. It also gave me a bad reputation.

Sexpert, you asked if lying was part of the thrill. To an extent, yes. Depending on the issue I was having in my relationship, I would never tell my partner. I didn't feel guilty like i "couldn't keep a secret from him". I liked keeping the secret. It was like a game to me.


Admitting all of this makes me sound like a terrible person but I've learned from my mistakes and will not continue my serial cheating in the future. I have admitted my problems and the reasons for the cheating, so I know just to avoid things like having a boyfriend just for the hell of it. I won't get into a committed relationship again unless I truly like and believe I have something with that person.

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terrible id

terrible idover a year ago

Answer 4 of 5

I can say....

I can say I was a serial cheater. I think beside now Ive cheated on every long term girlfriend. Except one. The one I didnt cheat on was a lesson in life. She was crazy, full on. She was older than me and was pretty hip to my game I would have played. Before that it was because Ive always had girlfriends far away. Theyd either move and keeping my libido at bay was something I wasnt good at or Id met them online and they were none the wiser.

Lying is part of it. Some things alittle more devious than that. Kind of a fetish in its own way. But mostly it started with boredom. I was a teenager with raging hormones. Later it just became habitual. Theres nothing sociopathic about it for me because in my head I cared for each of them. I still do. I talk to alot of the random one night stands and hookups and girlfriends where I already had another and they know for the most part. I think Im destined for an open relationship. But the woman Im with now wouldnt go for it and I wouldnt want her to. I like that shes mine and maybe thats what we've done to each other.

A general profile of me though is Im an addict. I was an alcoholic and I was a serious pot smoker. Control has always been trouble for me. Temptation is just too much. I was told in therapy that I romanticize life way too much. I feel and hurt. But hurting someones trust didnt affect me very much. I dont know what changed. By all means I should be cheating since theres everything in place for me to, or rather is not any different from the last relationship where I had cheated. But here I am one woman man.

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PinkRoses

PinkRosesover a year ago

Answer 5 of 5

Sociopaths = Serial Cheaters

I'm not a serial cheater, however, I would be lying to say I haven't cheated once or twice in my life. However, back in my college days I had a girlfriend who was THE definition of a serial cheater. I would always ask her questions about it because I couldn't understand how she was such a great friend to me but such a bad girlfriend to men.

Here is my take. Anyone who is a serial cheater has to have some sort of characteristics of a sociopath. I'm not saying my friend was Dexter or anything, but her mentality and way of thought towards guys fits the bill for a lot of sociopath characteristics.

From what I observed, she felt it was her right to do what she wanted in terms of hooking up with other men because men did it to women all the time. She really had no regard for the guys feelings that she was hurting. She had the mentality that she would lie and deny but if she was caught then so be it. There were times when she got upset because she liked the guy she was dating a lot and the relationship ended because of her cheating, but it was more about her not being able to have what she wanted rather than her ever acknowledging what she had put the guy through.

When it came to friendship she was awesome, when it came to men and relationships, it was all about her with no regard for anyone else.

Maybe I'm being a little drastic by saying she was a sociopath when it came to men but in my opinion there's no doubt that she had certain characteristics of one. I also wouldn't be surprised if you took a large group of known serial cheaters, analyzed them, and found that many fit the bill for a sociopath. I'm just convinced that anyone who has regard, empathy, and a sense of others cannot go on in life consistently cheating on people without it taking an emotional toll on themselves.

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