Sexual Problems

Q:

Why do we sometimes feel guilty after making love?

I wrote an related article sometime ago about this idea and I was curious to see what has your experience been. Have you ever felt guilty after masturbating or after making love? Do you think people who feel guilty after making love have been conditioned to feel that way solely due to certain prominent beliefs that might have been prevalent in their lives? For example, pastors who have taught that sex or masturbating is sinful and should be ashamed of? Or do you think there may also be other factors for feeling guilty or shame after making love?

MikkoKemppe


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NotMyselfTonight15

NotMyselfTonight15over a year ago

Answer 1 of 11

Why do we sometimes feel guilty after making love?

The first time I made love, it wasnt how I wanted it to be. And it happened to fast for me. But, I didn't start feeling guilty right after it happened. It was about a week and a half after. The reason I felt guilt was because I wasn't in love with him. I liked him alot but, I wasn't in love. We're still together and my feelings grow stronger everyday for him. I still regret it cause it was too soon and I wasn't necessarily prepared. And no, I don't think self pleasure is a sin. It's a way to relax and relieve stress.

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liana2012

liana2012over a year ago

Answer 2 of 11

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martinfos

martinfosover a year ago

Answer 3 of 11

Simple answer(?): do it longer!

Hello,

A few things to add:

First off, this question of "why do I feel guilty after sex" is very common. Nearly everyone experiences it at some point (or always). If it is very strong, it might be something you need to treat (postcoital blues) see: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/20/health/views/ 20mind.html due to neurotransmitter / hormonal imbalances or related.

The religious explanation is that the feeling is evidence of our moral conscious recognizing a sin... Indeed, this experience can come across as powerful evidence for religious arguments. "Why would evolution make me feel this way if sex is the purpose of life? There must be something more."

But looking at things carefully you'll find that these guilty feelings can occur both with masturbation and with real sex--even your wife. I've personally experienced it with both and also experienced both without guilt. While one can get into psychology and how you need to work out some deep issues with your perception of sex. I've personally found a pretty reliable solution: increase the length of your sex session.

Simply put, it seems that "quickies" are for one reason or the other very depleting. You either need more foreplay or, with masturbation, more time dedicated to staying sexually excited before ejaculation. For example, if you are usually only 15 minutes from start to finish--that's way too fast. Try 45 minutes or more next time. Sure, its more time consuming--but it may be the solution. Also, try reducing frequency. I find that once a week is plenty.

Hope that helps someone!

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ma4t

ma4tover a year ago

Answer 4 of 11

I was in a really abusive religion as a ...

I was in a really abusive religion as a kid. They taught that sex was dirty if you weren't married, and if you were married that it was not supposed to be done just for pleasure.

Bottom line: Make sure you know what they're telling your kids on Sunday. Don't just drop them off because it's free babysitting or you think they'll teach your kids to be nice kids.

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2sweet4u

2sweet4uover a year ago

Answer 5 of 11

In certain religions the act of sex or m...

In certain religions the act of sex or masturbation is looked down upon. Many religions and people consider the purpose of sex to be ONLY for reproduction reasons and not pleasure. So if this is built into you from an early age then it makes sense that you feel guilt.

I think those who have guilt unassociated with religion are feeling it because of some set of morals or ethics. Women grow up fearing the stigma of being a "slut". In high school and college it's a constant battle to balance your desires with your actions. You may love having sex and have no problem meeting new men and fooling around with them but you have to battle the stigma that people around you may put on you. Based on that, it's understandable that a girl would feel guilty. Her guilt stems from her thinking she is now "slut". I think if society didn't have these stigmas for women then many would not feel so guilty about fulfilling their desires.

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Black Iris

Black Irisover a year ago

Answer 6 of 11

Oddly, I have never felt guilty afterwar...

Oddly, I have never felt guilty afterwards. I guess I was ready when I started. If I cheated, I would feel guilty.

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sexpert

sexpertover a year ago

Answer 7 of 11

I used to feel guilty as all heck after ...

I used to feel guilty as all heck after sex, and I had a fairly sex negative spiritual leader.

I also remember feeling guilty about watching porn, masturbating, and realizing that I was pansexual. I had to reconcile the shame that I was brought up with, with my physical impulses, desires, and needs.

I don't know if it's necessary to point to a particular person in order to explain this guilt. Maybe if I had grown up in an atheist household, I may still have felt this guilt, because I believe it comes from multiple sources. Sexual assaults, incest, gender pressures, media, and even educational institutions can contribute to sex, and sexual pleasure, being linked to pain, suffering, regret, and vulnerability.

FYI: I no longer feel guilty about sex. At all.

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MikkoKemppe

MikkoKemppeover a year ago

Answer 8 of 11

Hi Albedo, in reading your and Scarlett...

Hi Albedo,

in reading your and Scarlettewiththerope's response made me think about how most us feel repulsed for having sex with our siblings or close family members. Evolutionary speaking this makes sense as the closer the similarity of the genes of your partner the more likely there are to be some unwanted mutations or for you to pass on some hereditary diseases. Could this be a non-learned reason for associating guilt with sex? And if so, could there also be other reasons?

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scarlettewiththerope

scarlettewiththeropeover a year ago

Answer 9 of 11

You guys inspired a whole post on my par...

You guys inspired a whole post on my part! It started as a comment, then an answer, and now it's an opinion lol. Basically, potential evolutionary reasons to feel guilty after sex.

http://www.leftos.com/opinion/view/416

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Albedo

Albedoover a year ago

Answer 10 of 11

The only time I have had regrets after s...

The only time I have had regrets after sex was when I was sleeping with an ex shortly after we had broken up, this just kept dragging out the breakup and making everything worse.

So as far as why, in general, people feel guilty about sex it is because for some reason they think that what they are doing is wrong. Having unprotected sex with a stranger could make someone feel guilty because they risked their health. Also as you suggested many religions teach that sex is wrong and violating the tenants of your religion is often a cause for guilt.

Also assuming humans evolved, there is no possible reason for a non-learned cause for guilt being associated with sex. Sex is how evolution works. Any trait that would decrease the likelihood of someone desiring sex would disappear within a generation or two.

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HomeBoy

HomeBoyover a year ago

Answer 11 of 11

The first girlfriend I ever had in high ...

The first girlfriend I ever had in high school was the girl that I lost my virginity too. We both lost ours together.

Every time we had sex, she always felt guilty after. She made it seem like she shouldn't have done it. Like she regretted it. It was weird for me at the time because I was young and new to it all myself. We were as in love with each other as a high school couple could be and I never pushed her into sex ever. I stopped coming on to her because I never wanted to put her in a weird situation or feel pressured. To be honest, she was the one that usually initiated us having sex. Then as soon as we were done she would say things like, "I should have never done that."

Looking back on it, I think it was her trying to fight her own temptations and desires. She loved me, she enjoyed sex, and she wanted to have it and share it with me. At the same time, we were only 16 and most of her friends had not had sex yet. She came from a conservative house so I'm sure if her parents found out it would have been a big NO NO. I think she felt like she was doing something wrong but at the same time she really enjoyed it. An internal battle.

Anyhow, that was a while ago and we are no longer together. I definitely experienced what you're asking about. I made me feel guilty sometimes because I thought I was doing something wrong and I never wanted to hurt her.

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